Today's the Day!

So today is the day that everything could change…or stay the same.  I’m getting my first treatment of Botox for my chronic migraines.  It’s possible that it will take a couple of rounds of Botox before I notice any difference.  (Botox can only be given every 3 months)  I always prefer to err on the side of optimism though.  I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket, but I’m hopefully optimistic that I’m soon going to be on the road to some kind of recovery from the chronic daily pain that has marred my life for the past few years.

In just one hour from now I will be sitting in front of my Doctor allowing him to inject me 31 times with a needle all over my forehead, head and neck in the hopes that this “celebrity drug” is the answer I needed.  A few years ago I abhorred any type of shot.  When I first started having to go to my Doctor for an emergency shot of meds to help with my migraine pain, my husband always went with me and held my hand.  Now after all the numerous injections/procedures I’ve had – countless blood draws, near daily IV treatments for 3 weeks to help with migraines, a c-section to deliver my son, I know I can do this!  Ideally, I’d have my husband with me to hold my hand through the pain, but he’s going to watch our son.  Having our son at home, on his schedule in a comfortable setting will give me peace of mind.  I know this is going to hurt, but I truly believe in mind over matter!  I don’t meditate or anything like that, but I’m hoping as long as I go into this with positive thoughts I can get through it.  I CAN do this!

To Botox or Not to Botox

About a year after I was diagnosed with migraines, my husband and I decided we wanted to try and treat my migraines as naturally as possible.  I started seeing one of the only Naturopaths in my city and followed every recommendation she suggested – from taking Vitamin D (apparently I’m deficient)to yeast pills to restore my gut to completely abstaining from corn and dairy (a special food allergy test showed I was allergic).  Even once I started at the Headache Clinic we tried to treat it as naturally as possible as the Doctors were aware I was anti-medicines.  I started taking high doses of magnesium and tried almost every supplement that’s ever been known to help migraines.  Finally, the one thing that took away my migraines completely (although temporarily) was being pregnant!  About 5 months into my pregnancy, my migraines disappeared.  It was a magical time!  Unfortunately, they came back 3 days after my son was born.   After that, I was willing to try any medicine they’d give me just to get rid of the pain.  Several pills and attempts later, I’m still in chronic migraine mode.   So now my Doctors have suggested Botox.  If someone had asked me two years ago about Botox, I would have said NO WAY.  I don’t like the idea of a bunch of chemicals being pushed into my body without long term studies being done about the effects.  However, I’m in pain every day and some days it’s unbearable.  I want to be a good wife, I want to be a good Mom, I want to be a good ME!  I figured it’s worth a shot – 31 shots to be exact!

Waiting To Feel Good

I’m sure a lot of people can sympathize with this feeling whether it’s while struggling with a cold or also a chronic pain condition.  Frequently I feel like I’m in a holding pattern – circling the activity I want to do – just waiting to feel better so I can actually do it.  Activities such as cleaning house, cooking dinner, grocery shopping, or going to the gym are generally “tasks” for most of the population.  When you don’t feel good though, it becomes a mountainous task.  Today I put on my yoga pants at 10am.  It’s 1pm now and as I walked into the bedroom to put on my socks & shoes I decided to blog instead of putting them on.  I wipe my eyes, rub my head, take a deep breath – think good thoughts.  Some days I can push through, but when every day you have to push through just to get any kind of task completed it can begin to feel overwhelming.  I may or may not end up at the gym today, time will tell.  Some days are better than others.  Let’s hope this is going to end up being one of the better ones.

Growing Up With a Sick Mommy

I worry sometimes about what it will be like for my son to grow up with a sick Momma (although I always hold out hope for a cure any day).   At the moment he’s so young and doesn’t know how thankful I am that he still takes 4-5 naps a day so I can have some downtime and let my brain rest.  He doesn’t know that most houses are filled with light and sunshine, instead of closed blinds and low watt light bulbs.  He doesn’t know that sometimes when Daddy comes to take him it’s because Mommy’s not feeling well and not just because Daddy can’t wait to hang out with him (although Daddy enjoys it too).  He doesn’t know that the reason Mommy isn’t there every morning when he wakes up is because she desperately needs her rest in order to make it through the day.  He doesn’t know that the reason Daddy carries him up the steps many times, is because sometimes Mommy can barely walk up the steps herself without huffing and puffing.  He doesn’t know that the reason he doesn’t go out many places is because Mommy gets over stimulated even faster than him and most trips are a chore.  Even when I’m not feeling well he is showered with kisses, cuddles and lots of love.  So, I’m sure it will be like what most adults say looking back at their childhood  -- “I didn’t know any different.”

Constant Pain

So what’s it like to live with constant migraine pain?  It’s debilitating, it’s lonely, it’s dark, it’s boring, it’s frustrating, it’s a lot of negative things.  However, when the pain isn’t clouding my better judgement, I prefer to be thankful for all the things I can do and not focus on all the things my chronic pain has taken away.  Sure, my life is a lot different now than it was just a few years ago when I met my husband.  We travelled, socialized with friends frequently, went out on fun evening dates to new restaurants and places, and visited with family often.  However, even though we can’t do a lot of the things we used to do we can still do some things.  Since I feel better during the mornings/afternoons, we try to take dates during the day instead, instead of going out to see movies we usually stay in and watch a tv show together, we eat out less often now that I can’t work FT but still try to make the most of it when we do eat out (although it’s normally a restaurant close to home and more budget friendly).  We also have a new bundle of joy in our lives since our son arrived August 2013 so our adventurous life was sure to slow down naturally anyway and we treasure our time spent together just the three of us.

I could easily get lost in the negativity of what migraines have stole from me, but I’ve always tried to focus on the positive side of life no matter what the circumstance.  I am very aware and overwhelmingly thankful that although I have a chronic disease, it is not physically or mentally crippling the way many diseases are and it’s not life threatening either.  I’m so thankful to have the gift of life and although sometimes when I feel like I could die from the pain, I remind myself that I still have LIFE.